Where do I begin? I honestly don’t really know. I am sitting here writing this with tears in my eyes, thinking I can’t be this unlucky. Except when it keeps happening over and over no matter what you do, then it’s very defeating.
I am tired of fighting a system that is not easy to break free. I may never know what it feels like to have money. I kept trying to see what would work, but to no avail. It would be helpful if I could find the help I need in order to keep from being homeless after the 31st of December.
My current state of mind…
So right now since I have been denied an apartment due to me having a misdemeanor domestic violence charge. Meaning I am unable to rent or work at most places. Including Airbnb, Vrbo, and a few delivery service apps. Which also means that I am unable to rent even a vacation rental. Lucky me! I would have better luck with being a sexual predator on the list than with a misdemeanor DV charge.
This on top of my current place that I am unable to even ask for an extension due to the Eviction prevention program had a hard time getting in touch with the property management company and still haven’t paid it yet. So I may have a pending eviction even though I will be out of my lease. Love this shit!
Let me add more fuel to this dumpster fire. Since I am unable to rent a place, I was working from home and since most of the pay day loan style extended stay places are literally booked right now, I am going to be homeless. On top of being a little mentally unstable in where I literally want to kill myself.
Everyone I have know I haven’t heard from. I had a friend who after a while stopped talking to me and one day asked for a tv I had and brought over all my stuff. I try to talk to my kids, but they don’t answer back, even when I comment on their social media accounts. I am a forgotten parent, unless the child support stops.
Is there hope?
Honestly, at this point in time. No. Everyone, except my mother is literally the only person who talks to me regularly. My kids have their new step dad that can give them everything, since I can barely make above 13 an hour here. They get to enjoy free college, a big house and all the material things they could ever want. While I struggle just to get a brief moment of conversation with them other than by text.
These past few months have really hit my mental state really hard. I used to be able to deal with this an push on like a leader should. Yet, now with the current state of the US, Covid, work, affordable housing and trying to live without getting assulted isn’t easy. Like I said, the thought of suicide has crossed my mind a lot lately. To the point, that I don’t think only my mother would really care.
I feel so defeated. After going through several months of no contact from anyone after repeated messages, I feel as though I am not wanted or just plain discarded. Not only from my kids, and family. But from trying to find work even though I have the skills, my credit score and DV charge just gets me the round file treatment. Restaurants are not worth it due to the shit the workers have to take from the customers and the stupid custom orders. It wouldn’t work anyways, I would demand 15 and hour and if there are tips, plus tips.
I just want to give up. I tried and tried to make things work in this life and just feel as though, I am forgotten. Nobody will remember me. Hell, all I get from people is how to grow your IG followers for 49.99 and offers to help with things I am already doing for my business. I am just done.
I’m Just done, done, done…
I am out. I may not commit suicide just yet, but I think, I just may become homeless. Lose all my stuff. Since it’s only material things and just walk off into the sunset. It would be about a few months before anyone would notice I was gone anyways. So why bother. Having to try and make something work when you have no support or help, isn’t easy. But with all the other things that I have been trying to attone for has now gotten me more at the bottom than on the first rung of the ladder.
I think I may stay in this pit and see if it kills me. Why, because why bother to live if there are no other options.